Reversing the Structure

Diana Hacker, in A Writers Reference, talks about the idea of simplified structure within an authors writing: The rule states, RuleW2-d if the structure of a sentence is needlessly indirect, try simplifying it, look for opportunities to structure the verb. Today in class I was thinking about the idea of comparing sentences and I thought about how musicians take what could be complex sentences and make them concise ultimately conveying a stronger meaning and/or connection with their audience. So, for this blog instead of making the structure of phrases in songs more simplified I thought I would work the other way to show what the sentences might have looked like with a more literal meaning and why the simplified meaning makes more sense. The song I choose to do is by Elliot Smith and its called Waltz #2, I am only going to do the first stanza of the song, but I am sure you'll get the idea.

The Original

first the mic then a half cigarette
singing Cathy's clown
that's the man she's married to now
that's the girl that he takes around town
she appears composed, so she is, I suppose
who can really tell
she shows no emotion at all
stares into space like a dead china doll

My Complicated Rewrite

I step up to the microphone and then I sing a song, followed by the lighting of my nicotine-induced need for an artificial stick of paper made of chemicals and tobacco.

At the microphone on the stage I sing a song originally written by The Everly Brothers.

Later on I see a past lover with the man she is wed to now. My ex-lover is on his arm appearing composed, and I guess she is, but no one can tell; she appears depressed, scatterbrained.

 There is nothing wrong with either writings, but if you listen to the song, the small and short phrases Elliot Smith uses let the listener draw their own conclusions and assumptions, ultimately making the words more powerful.

                                                                                   The Rest of the Lyrics

I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow

now she's done and they're calling someone
such a familiar name
I'm so glad that my memories remote
'cause I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note
here it is the revenge to the tune
you're no good
you're no good, you're no good, you're no good
can't you tell that it's well understood

I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow

I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
I'm tired, I'm tired

looking out on the substitute scene
still going strong
XO, mom, it's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong
tell Mr. Man with impossible plansto just leave me alone
in the place where I make no mistakes
in the place where I have what it takes

I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow